After the End
by DeAmonQuEen
Summary: Spike is dead and Buffy takes the time to mourn his loss. A story of how everyone handled the things that were lost after Sunnydale.
1. Forgive Me

**Chapter Notes:**

Hi everyone! This is a story I decided to write while I was in my depressed moods. I just thought I'd share it with you, hope you all would still enjoy it.

 _"Who do the Strong go when they have to be Weak?"_

 **(O.O)**

She was sitting on the bed, alone in her room at a run down motel in a small town in between Sunnydale and LA. She was crying, finally letting the pain she had been holding in since the fall of her hometown to come out in the open. She couldn't show it earlier after the town went down, nor could she have shown it on the bus because everyone was relying on her, like always, to handle things and lead them on what they should do next. So she had held it all in because she knew she couldn't let them see her like this.

To cry, to show she was in pain, was a sign of weakness, and she couldn't have that. Be weak in front of the troops. She couldn't do that in front of them because then they would doubt her again, question her decisions and probably kick her off rank, and she knew she couldn't handle that. Not again, not now. Especially not now that he wasn't there to pick up the pieces of her already broken and worn down heart.

Because if it were to happen again would truly break her, and she couldn't have that.

Because he wouldn't want that to happen. He wouldn't her to break. He wanted her to be strong. And he loved her strength, that's what he said.

So she'll be strong and not let anyone see her pain, her weakness. So she hid her emotions to avoid any possible conflict, and continued to lead the group to their next destination, which was the motel they were currently staying. She was able to get the motel owner to give them rooms at the cheap price, then ordered Giles to take the bus to the nearest hospital to get their injured tended. Willow and Kennedy were assigned to find them food and new clothing, since none of them brought any at the time of the battle because not one of them expected that they would have had to, after all this was the first apocalypse they had ever faced that had left them homeless and with no personal belonging besides the clothes on their back, so no one at the time thought it was necessary to pack their clothes.

She choked at the thought of it. Everything was gone. Her mother's house, their clothes and special belongings, like Dawn's diaries, Mr. Gordo, her family's pictures, Spike's Engagement-everything, it was all gone.

After getting food in their stomachs and a chance to shower and change into nicer and cleaner clothes, she talked to Giles on what to do from there on out. She shared her opinions, as what was expected of her, and had let her Watcher decide what to do with what she said. Whether or not he accepted her ideas and use them, she did not care. She was far beyond the stage where she would believe him to be someone she could rely on. He no longer held such kind of trust from her, in fact no one in her group held her trust anymore. She would lead them, yes. Protect them, of course. But to trust them? Believe in them as she did in the past? No, she couldn't do that any more. She didn't have it in her heart to give them that. They broke her trust, and there's nothing they could do to earn it back.

After the meeting with Giles, she told everyone to rest, and said that they all did a great job. She left the group after that and retired to her room, which she was glad she had been able to acquire without having to share it with anyone. She locked the door, crawled to her bed, hugged her pillow and finally she began to cry.

She let the tears fall, but controlled her sobs by hiding and biting on the pillow to prevent any noise from escaping.

It wouldn't do her any good after all if her friends were to hear her, because she knew exactly what they would do if they did. They would come in her room, talk to her, pretend to comfort her before telling her that it was wrong to cry, especially for someone like Spike. They might even throw a good verbal joke about her vampire or say that he wouldn't want her acting like this to make it look like they were being her friends instead of the selfish prejudistic assholes she now knew they were.

Her mind wandered on those last two days where he held her in her arms and gave her strength. She thought about what he said that night in that abandoned house, about her being the one. And finally she remembered the last words he said to her when she finally had the courage to tell him how she truly felt for him.

 _No you don't, but thanks for saying it._

It had hurt her then. In fact, it was still hurting her now. Knowing just how much she lost because she was too stubborn, too stupid, too scared to just admit her feelings to the one person who trusted her, cared for her and loved her unconditionally. He was her pillar of strength, her lieutenant, and best friend, and he died not believing he was loved by her.

She was angry too. Angry at the world for living but not knowing that it owed its continued existence to her vampire, at whoever gods that ruled the planet for letting him die, and at her friends for not taking a moment of their time to feel grateful at the vampire, they always viewed as a nuisance, for saving their lives earlier that day.

Not one of them wondered where he was. Not one of them asked about him. And not one of them cared enough to think if they should try put up a tribute for him like they had done for the rest of their fallen warriors. No one but her prayed for Spike at the small pyre they made behind the motel. She was the only one who missed him and she was angry at everyone for that.

He wasn't perfect. No one was. But he tried, and continued to try and change himself, for her. But what did she do? She always threw it at his face. All of his efforts, all of his deeds? She, along with her friends, simply downgraded them to nothing. Even regaining his soul, which was suppose to be consider an amazing thing for a soulless vampire to do, was not enough to impress them, rather it was simply something that serve as nuisance back then because it was the reason the First had such great hold of him.

She regretted that now. She regrets a lot of things that had to do with her vampire. And those regrets turned to bigger tears that she silently wept on her pillow.

"I'm sorry, Spike," she softly whispered in between her low sobs, "I did love you, I still do. I'm so, so sorry..."

A gentle knock on her door snapped her out of her silent agony.

"Buffy?" the person called from the other side of it.

Dawn, she recognized. Immediately, she hurriedly fixed herself. She ran to her bathroom and washed her tear stained face. She wet her hair too to make it look like she had been in the shower, before slipping out of her dirty clothes, which she hadn't taken the time earlier to remove, and putting on a towel.

She did all this in a span of 20 seconds, a world record if she could say so herself. But at the moment she wasn't in the mood to bask in her speedy changing skills. At the moment she was busy putting on a mask for her little sister. The same sister who threw her out of her own house.

"Dawnie?" she asked as she opened the door. She noted that her sister had changed clothes and was carrying a shirt and jeans on her arms.

"Um, I brought you some clothes from the ones Willow and Kennedy brought. I sort of noticed that you didn't took any from earlier," the brunette teen explained.

Her eyes widened at the truth of that statement. She really had forgotten to get any for herself. Her mind was so focused earlier on getting herself alone in one room that she totally forgotten about it.

Not a good thing to happen if you wanted everyone to not suspect anything strange, like crying for your undead lover, from you.

She simply smiled though, to hide her anger at herself for doing something so stupid, and took the offered clothes.

"Thanks, Dawnie! Sorry you had to trouble yourself. Ditsy Buffy was at it again," she joked.

"It was no trouble," her sister replied. She shifted on her feet and was looking expectantly at her older sister.

"Do you need anything else?" Buffy asked, wanting to hurry and end their conversation.

"Um, no. Not really," was the teen's reply.

She nodded at this, before slowly shutting the door.

"Buffy!" Dawn called out, stopping her from completely closing the wooden entrance to her room.

She stared at her sister and waited for what the other still had to say.

"Um-I was just wondering..."

"What, sweety?" she asked tilting her head slightly in the process.

"Are you okay?"

She felt like she was slapped at that question.

 _Was she okay?_

 **No, absolutely not.** Was her answer in her head.

But to her sister she replied with a big smile. "Of course, I am! Just a little tired and sore. But I'll be fine in the morning, sweety. Is there anything else you wanted from me?"

"Um, no, nothing else really."

"Okay, well, goodnight, Dawn."

And she completely closed the door. She knew she hadn't really convinced her sister, but she knew there was nothing Dawn could do since he had just shut her out. So instead of worrying about it, she returned to her bed and got back to mourning the man she lost.

 **(-)**

 **Chapter End Notes:**

Thanks for reading, and hoped it was fun. Please leave a review to tell me how it was. Thanks again!


	2. Come back to me

_"Beneath that bright smile, is a world of pain."_

 **(-)**

It's beneath three months since Sunnydale's destruction. Three months since the man she loved sacrificed himself to protect the world. Three months since she started this gave of pretend that Buffy was okay.

In those three months, she lead everyone to where they were now. She helped Giles set up the new Watchers and Slayers Council. And aided in finding, recruiting and training the new Slayers for their cause. She still saved the world on a regular basis and still acted as a friend to everyone when they needed it.

Like when Willow and Kenedy broke up, she was the one who brought the ice cream to cheer up her redheaded " _friend_ ". Or when Xander finally felt Anya's death, she was the one who stayed with him while he drank his sorrows away. She was everyone's bestfriend.

 _But no one was hers._

She made sure of this. She made sure that none of them knew that underneath her bright, strong, independent appearance laid a woman who still mourned the man she lost. She made sure that no one knew she was still suffering from losing Spi-that man.

She sighs. She can't even say his name without choking. But that wasn't the sad part in all of this. Because what was truly sad was that despite her constant and very obvious avoidance to the name and anything that reminded her of that man, no one seemed to noticed that she was doing this. No one seemed to care. In fact everyone was just glad that she wasn't getting hung up on her vampire.

 _Of course they would be happy, it simply meant that they didn't have to deal with depresso-Buffy while they moved on with their lives._

And she was fine with that. She was used to that. That constant feeling of being alone in the world. She was used to it. She was happy with it. Contented with that fact. She didn't need any-

A tear fell on down her eyes as she continued to say these words to herself.

It was a lie. She hated being alone. She hated that she had to hide her feelings. She hated that she had to pretend to be happy. She hated that no one can see her pain nor tried to understand it.

It was just so sad and hard and-

 _God! She really missed him._

She dropped on her bathroom floor and hugged herself and cried. It was in moments like these when she missed him the most. Moments when she had reached the end of her wits in pretending that she was okay.

 _She was not okay!_

She was anything but okay. And she knew she would never be okay because _he_ wasn't there.

 _He was never gonna be there._

He was gone and no matter how many times she wished that he wasn't, he was never coming back.

But it never stopped her from wishing. Wishing that he would return. Wishing that he would come and make things better for her.

"Come back, Spike, please come back to me..." she silently pleaded in between her sobs.

But no one ever came. He never came. Because he was gone and she was left alone to deal with the pain in all of this.

 **(-)**

Unknown to the crying Slayer, someone was listening to her pleas. She had came into the room to inform her that the potential that they got from Asia had arrived and that Giles wanted her to meet with the said potential.

She had knocked, but when no one answered she entered the room, and heard that the other woman was in the bathroom. She was about to make her presence known, but stopped herself when she heard the woman sobbing inside.

Her heart tightened as she can hear the pain from the other woman who was crying in the bathroom. She wanted to go inside and comfort her, tell her that everything was going to be alright. But she didn't. She knew nothing was alright. And her saying so to the woman would only push her further away from her, because based on her experience, she knew that the Slayer wouldn't accept anything from her. She wouldn't accept any sort of help from her or her friends.

She simply didn't want their help. And it pained her because they were also the reason why the strongest woman they knew refused to ask for their help. They pushed her away after all. They were the ones who kicked her out. And when all was done, not one of them apologized for doing so. Not one of them said that they regretted doing that to their Slayer.

It was their own fault that she didn't trusted them. It was their own fault that she wouldn't come to them. And now, she could do nothing but regret what had happened and wish that things were different. Wish that her sister didn't secretly hate all their guts. Wish that her sister didn't have to hide her loneliness from them. Wish that her sister would finally be her sister again.

 _She missed Buffy._

The _real_ Buffy.

She wished she would come back. She would do anything for that woman to come back.

Sadly, she knew she couldn't do anything about that. She knew that only one person could bring her sister back. And she needed that person back.

 _She needed Spike back._

She blinked her eyes to prevent her own tears from appearing.

That thought rung heavily on her mind everytime she'd make that wish to get her sister back, because with that thought came pain of the lost of another important person in her life that she also blamed herself for losing.

Spike was her friend and was like the big brother she never had. He protected her. Loved her and was always there for her. But when he did that to Buffy, she hated him. But that hate should've disappeared when he came back to make things right.

But she was too stubborn and young to accept his apology, and instead of friendship, she threatened him. And that was the one and only time she had of him. The one and only chance she ever had to make things right for them. And she regrets that.

She regrets a lot of things and wishes for many things to go back to the way they were before.

 _You can't change the past._

She knows this.

 _But it doesn't stop her from wishing that she could._

She hurriedly moved away from the bathroom, the moment she heard her sister move around inside. She knew that Buffy was done with her crying and was again going to be wearing the mask of nothing-was-wrong-with-me.

She hated that mask, but knew there was nothing she could do to remove it. Only one person could remove that mask from her and that person was gone.

The only thing she can do was wear a mask of her own and hide her own awful feelings so everyone would believe that everything was right in the world despite that deep inside she knew that it really wasn't.

 **(-)**

 **Chapter End Notes:**

And that was that! Thanks for reading and leave a review to tell me what I did wrong or just to show your appreciation for the story. Thanks again and have a pleasant day!


End file.
